The poet Charles Baudelaire wrote that an aspiring dandy must have "no profession other than elegance. . . no other status but that of cultivating the idea of beauty in their own persons. . . . The dandy must aspire to be sublime without interruption; he must live and sleep before a mirror."

Spike Milligan on his bouts of depression – "It's the nature of who you are. You will see sunsets in a special way, you will see life in a special way. The Milligans are like Arab racehorses. We'll kick the stable to pieces, but we'll always win the race."

Elvis - Jesus Similarities:

• Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
• Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

• Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
• Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

• Jesus was part of the Trinity.
• Elvis' first band was a trio.

• Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
• Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

• Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
• Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

• Jesus was resurrected.
• Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

• Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
• Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

• Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
• Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

• Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
• Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

• Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
• Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

• "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."
• (Matthew 28:3)

• Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

• Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
• Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

• Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
• Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

• Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
• Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

• Jesus was the lamb of God.
• Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

• Jesus' Father is everywhere.
• Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

• Jesus was a carpenter.
• Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

• Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
• Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

• Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
• Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

• No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
• No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

• Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
• Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

• Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
• Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

A Team Writing Exercise

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

Begin.

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much, her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neurosis of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie whom he had spent one sweaty night with over a year ago. "A. S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychologically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all of the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!! I'm going to veto that treaty!! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!!!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

The end.

 

The Worst Analogies
Ever Written in a High School Essay

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

the law of the playground

coffin mom